The Pseudo-Extrovert Blues

I learned a new word for myself recently.  No, not the embarrassing one they used to call me in college.  No, not the one my wife calls me when I leave dishes in the sink - a new one.  "Pseudo-extrovert."

What is a Pseudo-Extrovert?

A pseudo-extrovert is easy to define - an introvert masquerading as an extrovert.  The Extrovert-Introvert continuum has at one end individuals who feel more energized by loud noise and multiple interactions with others, while at the other end you find people who recharge with quiet and solitude.  In practice, it means that while introverts can enjoy a loud party or group project at work, it will leave them drained.  It also means that extroverts will feel drained after spending a few hours working alone on a pet project.

There is a lot more to it than that, but that's a more accurate representation than characterizing introverts as shy nerds who lack social graces.  Some of us are really cool.  Seriously.  Want to see my vintage collection of "Magic, The Gathering" cards?

Denial and the shallow life

So what's so bad about being a pseudo-extrovert?  I went through a divorce almost 10 years ago, and I decided to change things up in my life.  I wanted to get ahead at work, meet more girls, and get people to think I was cool.  I did get those things in some measure by following a "fake it until you make it" policy of acting more confident, interested and gregarious than I really was.  It came at a cost, though.

Extroverts, real extroverts, feel energized by interacting with new people.  Many of them also get a strong feeling of connection with the people around them precisely because they spend more time and energy on a larger number of relationships.  That sounded great, but it just doesn't work that way for me.

Pseudo-extroverts not only miss out on their close connections, we also lose much of  the rich inner life of abstract ideas and deep thinking that is our real source of power and sustenance.  Feeling emotionally exhausted means that you don't want to do much of anything at the end of the day, even the things that used to be your main source of stimulation and enjoyment.

The upshot of this is stress, heart attacks, and probably an early death.  Think I'm exaggerating?  I had heart surgery less than 6 months ago.  Even with "normal" cholesterol levels and regular exercise, my coronary arteries were getting blocked.  I also felt stressed-out most of the time, but I didn't know what to do about it.

I only have so much energy for social interaction.  Spending that energy being the life of the party and the social connector at work meant that I had less energy for the people who matter most to me.  I've felt less connected to my family and close friends because I don't have enough "me" left to give to them.  Even worse, when they wanted my time and attention I would feel like they were making unreasonable demands of me.  You can't hide feelings like that from the people who are closest to you, and the strain on your relationships just adds more stress.

Why?  Cultural values.

So why do we put ourselves through this?  I think the reasons above are pretty clear, but there is a deeper reason.  In the US and much of Western Europe, our culture venerates being social.  Leaders are seen as people who get others "fired up".  People who prefer to avoid conflict and are less outspoken are often seen as lacking in social graces, meek, or just disengaged.

Above I said that I felt stressed-out, but didn't know what to do about it.  That's because I believed that I shouldn't feel that way.  We're bombarded with cultural messages that say we should feel happier and more connected if we're more gregarious.  We're told in many subtle (and some not-so-subtle) ways that if we don't want to spend time with other people, we must be depressed or antisocial.  In other words, being an introvert is seen as being flawed and in need of "fixing".  The answer is to be more of an extrovert!

Bullshit.

I recently read several books on the subject (I read a lot when I'm not pretending to be a social dynamo), and one really crystallized these concepts for me.  I recommend "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" as my favorite read on the subject.  Feel free to hit me up for other recommendations, though.  Like I said, I've been reading a lot lately.

What to do about it?  Opt out - most of the time.

I want to shout this out!  I'll... wait, I'm an introvert.  I'll type it at the top of my voice - I'm not going to take part in your extrovert culture no more, man!

Actually, I think that I'll only do that some of the time.  Why waste what I have gained?  I can speak to large groups, interact well with new people, and do a lot of other little things that didn't come easily to me a decade ago.  The key for me isn't to stop doing these things.  It's simply to not accept them as my default behaviors.

This solution is self-acceptance.  If you're in the same boat as me, I'd suggest being true to your nature most of the time, and make a conscious choice to bring out your extrovert persona once in a while. Meet-ups are a good example (I'm a co-organizer of the Detroit Java User's Group) - go ahead and attend an event or two, just space them out more and plan for some alone-time afterward to digest the experience.

Extroverts aren't wrong to have a more boisterous way of engaging in their lives.  It's another way to do things, and worth trying on for size from time to time.  It's just not a better way if it doesn't suit your personality.


Have you had a similar experience?  Please chime in with a comment!  (Introverts love electronic communications - we get to connect with other people without feeling drained by it.)